The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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