Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize