Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
