if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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