If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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