All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
