____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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