im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
