was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
