I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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