Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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