Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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