if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
