She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
