i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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