Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize