my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
