Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
