This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
