Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I am morally bankrupt
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
