I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
