she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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