If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
