Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
