a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
