I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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