Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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