you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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