Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Randomize
