Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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