cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize