I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
