I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
