ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
