I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
