I smell stomach acid.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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