she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
