there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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