i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
