I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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