i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
