I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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