Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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