I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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