I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
