It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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