This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
