He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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