The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize