Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize